My Introvert Story: On Feeling Average
I have spent my whole life feeling like I am nothing more
than average. I have always been average and I would always be average. There
has never been anything exceptional about me. I didn't participate in sports as
a kid. I didn't win awards or get top grades. I possessed no discernible talent
that set me apart from my peers. Like many young girls, I longed to feel
talented or pretty and I would often compare myself to others. I still do.
It seems ridiculous to say that I wish my childhood had more
drama but sometimes that was how I felt. I grew up in a middle-class household
in the suburbs. My father worked and my mom stayed at home. I was the youngest
of three with a wide age gap between myself and my oldest sibling. There was
nothing unusual about my life or how I lived it. I went to school every day,
did just enough to get by, and came home to have a snack, do my chores and my
homework, and then just sit around waiting for the next day to come.
I Was a Textbook Nerdy Introvert
When I was a kid, I didn't quite understand that my problem was one of
overwhelming averageness. I coped with it in a most unhealthy way. I lied. I
made up all kinds of crazy stuff about myself because it was more interesting
than the truth. In my pre-teen years, I made up stories about boyfriends who
went to other schools. I would include just enough information to make it seem
real but hopefully not enough to make people question the truth. I felt like I
was too average to be interesting to anyone else. I wasn't even sure my friends
found me interesting.
Eventually, I turned that habit into a hobby by writing fiction. Mostly bad
fiction with a bad poetry phase in my late teens, like you do. I had to get the
lies out of my head and down on paper. My own story was too average to tell.
Tales about vampires or magical quests seemed much more exciting.
I gave up lying in high school. It was exhausting to pretend to be something
else. I focused more on writing than I did on anything else, including my
grades. I sometimes wrote in class rather than doing my classwork. Despite my
reputation as a nerd, I wasn't a straight-A student and I wasn't the girl you wanted
to cheat from. People did, but they quickly learned this would not provide the
outcome they were expecting. I was simply average. I got into college and
continued to be average. I graduated and was still just average. I got an
average job and did average things.
Being an Introvert is Not a Personality Flaw
I hated what it meant to be average which sometimes made me hate myself. I had
always thought I would rise above the average life. When I was a kid living in
suburban Detroit, I would imagine living in New York City or London. I told
myself that I wouldn't continue to work in a safe job that paid me well but
made me miserable. As I became more independent, I would do little things that
made it seem like things were less average but they just masked the problem. I
traveled and experienced all kinds of awesomeness that made me think that a not-so-average
life was possible. I always returned to the same things I was doing before. I
told myself that one day I wouldn't be average anymore. But "one day"
is not a thing that just happens. You have to make it happen.
The Future is Nerdy
I look back now and know my life isn’t average. Average stopped weighing me
down a while ago even though my brain doesn’t always notice it. I chose an
unconventional life in many ways but being unconventional doesn't automatically
mean "above" average. It does mean that I no longer compromise.
Sometimes it means I take a risk and fail. Making safe choices doesn't
guarantee that life will turn out exactly as you plan either. I took myself out
of my safety zone and jumped without a net. No matter what I do from this
moment forward, I may still be an introvert, but I will never be average again.
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