Occasionally, for a change of pace, I like to write humorous bits. Here is a post I wrote about camping. If you read this you might think I dislike camping, but you would be wrong.
The first time someone said "Let’s go camping" I should have said, "No thank you - I'll be over here with the indoor plumbing and my television." But for some reason, probably a pathological need to not feel left out, I agreed to go.
Camping is ridiculous. What were humans thinking? We labored throughout the entire course of human history to figure out a way to build a structure called "indoors" only to occasionally think it is cool to sleep "outdoors." Why is this ever a good idea? The first time I ever went camping I didn't exactly understand the "rules". We ate cold food and once it got dark we zipped ourselves into a very insecure fabric dwelling and attempted to "sleep." It is difficult to sleep when you hear things at night and assume that it must be a bear coming to eat you. You have to find out what it is, even though being face to face with a rampaging bear seems like a less than pleasurable idea. Why did it make sense to turn on that flashlight? We could have just been killed in our sleep and remained blissfully unaware that something was eating our faces. But when that flashlight was aimed outside out tent we merely saw a raccoon eating Cheezits out of the box - one at a time - with its creepy little human hands. Lesson one: don't leave Cheezits out for the wildlife. This seems to be camping 101, but when you've never done it before it can seem so bizarre. Can't the raccoon get its own damn Cheezits?
Lesson number two is to make sure that you have the most expensive and luxurious equipment available to you. The time to find out the tent that your family has had since the 80s is held together by duct tape is not after you've set it up in the rain. And this can be made even better when your air mattress deflates in the middle of the night so it is no longer an island sanctuary to keep you less wet. Even if you take precautions to make sure you aren't rained on, your air mattress's integrity should be key. Ever sleep in the back of a 2003 Honda Element? I have. They're apparently made for surfers, dogs, and homeless crazy people. It seems like a good idea at the time, but when your air mattress deflates you'll find yourself on the hard, rubberized floor of a metal shoe box/coffin. Air mattresses deflating are a key problem - it can happen anywhere at any time. Sleeping on the ground is not comfortable. That is why we invented beds. Hell, even our monkey ancestors figured out how to sleep in trees. I've never tried that, but it has to be more comfortable than sleeping on a deflated air mattress on the ground. So back to the equipment. You should just re-buy all of the things you have in your house and bring them with you camping. These should include the following:
- A Simmons or Serta Mattress
- All your bathroom accessories including your flush toilet.
- A door - it is much safer than a zipper
- A television or other entertainment device. If you're feeling brave, hire a troop of actors. Make sure they bring their own camping equipment.
- Clean Pants.
Lesson number three is to make sure you have enough beer. Food is a luxury. If you're roughing it in the woods, you should be able to hunt down small animals or insects to keep you from starving to death. Beer doesn't live in the woods. It is domesticated. You have to carry it with you in its ice filled aquarium habitat. And you have to make sure you have enough. Running out of beer where there are no Beer Stores nearby is terrifying. You might as well pack up your little living room and call it quits right then. The only thing keeping you sane in the woods will be staying drunk enough that you don't remember it.
So, what was that about camping again? I can't remember; I've been drinking.